freefall.

Objective reality might as well be objectivism itself when it comes to measuring irony.  (Kant touch this.)  It was mere months after coming to real, tangible peace with the impossibility of love.   It was mere months before familiar conversation with a favorite familiar grew and narrowed and pierced and left me wanting more.  Wanting more, over 1000 miles away.

Falling for someone you already have a sense about seems like a common occurrence among the young – free of the mistakes-come-experience, surrounded by friends before understanding friendship, all of it accelerated by wide-open naiveté.  With age such a thing becomes novelty, nay improbability, as you take your chances and write your story using pens pressed from salt and chaff.  You find yourself in a strange place where those closest to you have been fully stripped of mystery and flippant possibility.  Perhaps that’s why we’re so afraid of being old and single and alone.  Not because we ultimately want to die beside someone.  But because we’ve run through our course of chances with those that actually know us.

She moved up to Seattle and we celebrated our one-year anniversary mere weeks ago.  I could write novels about how I feel about this woman, but I’d rather read them to her.  And I need to treat what we have as the fragile, breathing entity it is - rather than writing about it as something I’ve conquered and shelved.

The most mind-blowing of the realizations remaining is thus: I’ve spent my most recent life crashing my ego against the rocks of “trying to do it yourself”.  I’ve inspired and hired and fired and begged and lost it all, multiple times now.  If it wasn’t for the path I’ve taken, if it wasn’t for the madman-esque return to the sea, I would have never had the talk that slowly turned torrid.  Nine years of my life and nine years of effort, all of it for a simple chance at a re-introduction?

Worth it.  All of it.

I’m a lucky man.

repurpose.

This was never intended to be solely a place to write about travel. The double meaning of work was as much about "belonging" as it was "earning money". I've always loved drastically different meanings to the same word. For years I've been wanting to change my name - more as a symbolic snip from my church-or-war family name, but many hours have been spent combing over my mental micro-dictionary to find the perfect new me. (Same as the old me?)

I ended that search with one of the most displeasing names you would find in a Baby Name book. The word "wage" remains one of my favorites - both an incredibly intentional, committed action as well as a passive, limp swear word used in arms-up surrender to our freedom machine. But there's no romance to that word, and what good is a new name if it's ultimately an in-joke with yourself? Who am I kidding about flow of the tongue - I'd so name myself wage if I could come up with a banging last name to sit beside it.

I closed this book abruptly, a year ago. I skipped over all of the details, as if those years beyond 2010 were somehow devoid of life. But the reality of coming back home was incredibly tough. I'd felt quite distant from everyone but my closest friends - a 9-month play-by-dropbox game of Fall From Heaven 2 was the most constant of connections outside of my tumultuous affair with Facebook. I pulled all of those belongings from that small crate on my doorstep and asked myself what the fuck I was doing.

My impatient attempts at dating went sideways, I found myself in a short-lived relationship with the wrong woman, and one day hit a very specific calm in my romantic life. This hasn't been the first suddenly-permanent revelation that I've experienced - in my youth I was struck down on a very specific Sunday that I was no longer innocent. While the 20 year-old me went in search of an open tattoo shop, this one resigned himself to the tragedy of his comfort - I would truly be okay if I never fell in love again. That medicine sat thick in my throat and took me a month to swallow. But it was true, and I was grateful to realize I didn't have to keep throwing myself against the rocks of bad odds. The realization that I could live a completely satisfying life, alone.

That, and putting everything I had towards the finish line, was my spring of 2012.

restart. rearranging.

2010 was about eating my weight in experience, and the long list of bands I took in wasn't meant to serve as bragging rights. More the reminder of what I did and what I saw and what I felt and what I remember. This is three years from then, and the list no longer belongs as a constant sidebar and a constant reminder and some sort of ruler against which I should measure myself.

Reposting it for posterity sake so that I can move on:

2manydjs
65 Days of Static
Air
Akufen
Atari Teenage Riot
Autolux
Boban Markovic Orchestra
Booka Shade
Boys Noize
Broadcast
Caribou (x2)
Cave
Chemical Brothers
Chrome Hoof
Coldcut
Crystal Castles (x2)
DJ Cheeba
DJ Food
Dan Deacon
Daniel Higgs
Daniel Menche
Dosh
Drumcorps
Editors
Emeralds
Ex, The
Factory Floor
Fever Ray
Foals (x2)
Four Tet
Fuck Buttons (x2)
Fukpig
Glenn Branca & Ensemble
Godflesh
godspeed you! black emperor (x2)
Grinderman
Gum Takes Tooth
Hallogallo
Hangedup
Head of Wantastiquet
Her Name is Calla
Holy Fuck
Hot Chip (x2)
James Blackshaw
Jónsi
King Midas Sound
LCD Soundsystem (x2)
Lucent Dossier Experience
Marc Almond
Massive Attack
Master Musicians of Bukkake
Melt Banana
Miserable Rich
Modest Mouse
Mothlite
Napalm Death
Neurosis
New Pornographers (x2)
New Young Pony Club
Nisennenmondai
Obstacles
Panda Bear
Peaches
Pierre Bastien
Plastikman
Public Image Ltd
Qemists Soundsystem
Red Sparowes
Robot Koch
Roxy Music
Rufus Wainwright
Swans (x2)
These New Puritans
Tim Hecker
Tindersticks
Tricky
Unbunny
Weird Al Yankovic
Wolves in the Throne Room
Wooden Shjips
Voice of the Seven Thunders
Xiu Xiu
Zeni Geva

back to business.

It's hard to believe nearly two years have passed since posting the last entry, here. People use words like "rollercoaster" to sugar-coat and uptalk and fauxite what often ends up being countless hours of cold, numb grinding. But I did it. I launched what I set out to launch, skinless teeth and all. Dead broke and freshly-accomplished I had little choice but to put my newborn away and find a way to pay the rent. I wonder if mothers ever feel repulsed the moment that cord gets cut. Regardless, I needed the break away from mine. (Perhaps cellmate is the better parallel.)

They say that idiocy is next to godliness, and so I took a job at a pressurized and unstable Seattle startup. Where will I work? Wherever I can, right now.

More to the point of this resurrection: I'm fed up with the Facebooks and need a general outlet in which to get it out. There's but a single silent link leading people here, allowing the relative anonymity of this blog to give me a voice without the breadcrumbs.

I welcome ideas for how to circle the wagons a la the LJs of yore without having it all sold out from under you. Blogger might not be the best venue for such a thing. Perhaps these handful of entries are best left as a tiny time capsule, a marker of a journey that will ultimately outlive me.

In any case, I miss writing.

out of touch.

In the early days I used my passport as a form of escape - losing yourself in a strange land can remove you from your daily reality in the same way as alcohol, video games, or fiction can. It's incredibly important to travel for the right reasons: exploration over avoidance, the journey over the destination, and most importantly realizing that the allure of the new and the unusual is not inherently "better" than what you left back home.

"Wherever you go, there you are" is an overused adage but remains one of the hardest lessons to learn when you find yourself alone, thousands of miles from home. Exposure to other cultures does not soothe crises of the self and it doesn't somehow bestow clarity of purpose. In fact I'd argue travel does the polar opposite - it throws everything into question, it shows you a myriad of ways you could be living, and generally leaves you with the uneasiness of insignificance - playfully coated by terms like Wanderlust. For me it's more of a philosophical addiction.

My fantasies of returning to Seattle were unrealistic at best and hint of an inverse irony to what I describe above. I sought to return to solid ground, to be back among the familiar, to open myself up to the possibilities of romance, to get some help with the project I'm working on, and to merge myself back into the conversation I'd somehow lost among my stateside friends. Was my return an escape from an escape? Or did I come back full-circle as intended?

In only a handful of months I've found myself in the perfect little rental, surrounded by all the familiar possessions I've done just fine without. Am I playing house? This disheartened heart wants nothing more than to return to the security I've come to crave in the utter unknown of that endless horizon. THIS is the escape I speak of, and the type of travel that I think can be incredibly self-destructive.

Then again, if I'm to play the part of lone wolf I should be taking full advantage of my dwindling freedom.

Cutting off your nose to spite your face might seem extreme, but it sure makes you breathe easier.

I can't wait to get back on that plane.

bristol.

The inter-city UK bus system is pretty radical here.  Going across the map is frequently £1.  Compare this to the local Birmingham bus which is £1.70 and you can’t even transfer!  I know, WTF?!

ANYngland I arrived to a rainy Bristol on an early Friday afternoon.  The city made it dead-easy to find my hostel as it accompanied the same arrows as “museum”, “waterfront”, and “cathedral”.  Why this hostel has been declared a national treasure was beyond me, but who am I to refuse a helpful sign?

The newly-renovated YHA building was right on the river and one of the nicer shared joints I’ve stayed in.  I sighed in happy relief at the actual bed that sat in front of me, still scarred from the city of Manchester.  I asked the front desk for a spicy recommendation to beat the wet and the cold, and the cheery man pointed me across the footbridge towards a curry shop.

I entered into a parallel universe American suburb  – oversized restaurants with stupid names and excessive ceiling heights surrounded me, Australian Wildland Outback Adventure this and Royal Indian Tiger Brigade that.  (You’ll note I’m exaggerating because I would totally eat at any place called Royal Indian Tiger Brigade).  I hate it when people recommend places they assume "the tourists" want to eat at, especially when I say “tell me where you would get dinner tonight”.  Yes sir how did you guess I’m in the mood for an animatronic robot panda to nom circuit board bamboo above my microwaved fake Chinese food.  Dammit, still exaggerating.

After escaping this hideous culinary theme park I walk along St. Nicholas market until I land at an Indian place sans novelty throne and have a completely forgettable meal.  Strike one, Bristol.

Er, strike two. As if the trendy t-shirts worn by ignorami everywhere weren't enough. HOMOSEXUALS GET 10% OFF AND 5 YEARS IN PRISON!

The next morning I go exploring and St. Nicholas market is a great place – loads of small businesses and food merchants serving up far nicer / organic / local fare than I’m used to here.  After walking for one million miles I end up at probably my favorite place in England: Start the Bus.

Open, spacious, brightly colored interior, squishy sofas, SUPER friendly staff, great music, decent grub, full bar.  I spent at least 2.5 hours here sipping my sequential coffee, reading every newspaper within sight.  Considering the rest of the area could be called one long tourist trap this was indeed a sight for sore everythings.  I LOVE START THE BUS!!!!

I head back to my hostel and encounter my new bunkmate: a British WWII vet in his 70s, cheery as hell and one of my favorite old people ever.  He apologizes about locking up his belongings before jumping into the shower (oh I trust you… *click*). Oh man I want to be this guy so bad.  Any elderly dude that can handle a night full of French teens snoring is A++ in my book.  Me?  Those tronçonneuses turned me racist.

The old vet headed off to his yearly boarding school reunion dressed to kill while I sought out a skate park in an industrial part of town that throws some of the biggest shows in Bristol.  Of course I get there way too early and the nearest beautiful dingy pub closes right in front of me, so I land at a chain place co-branded the Knights Templar.  It doesn't take long until I befriend a pair of 40-somethings for a few hours of engaging conversation before returning to the huge building surrounded by an abundance of nothing.

Tonight’s menu was my excuse for visiting Bristol: the Ninja Tune 20th Anniversary tour.  If you don’t know Ninja Tune (Amon Tobin, Coldcut, DJ Food, blah blah) they were a huge musical force back in the… uh, 20 years ago.  The multi-stage skate park is indeed big and the crowd thin, so I head to the main area and get my dance on.

Not five minutes later and I’m knuckle-bumping more than I’ve knuckle-bumped all year – two separate groups of people have taken a liking to me and we are all dancing in a certain beautiful singularity.  I can feel the acceleration as I start making introductions of introductions and before you know it I’ve met one Swede, two broke Canadians following Ninja Tune around the UK, an Irish comedian worried the CCTV could ruin his teaching career if he rolls a spliff, and I’ve somehow attracted the female attention of a now-tense couple.

Strangely enough this is the exact moment that my entire year turns on its axis and I find myself wanting nothing more than to take root back in Seattle.

The crowd rapidly thickens to the point of non-enjoyment, marking the long and uneventful walk back to my hostel.  Right, and those 120dB Frenchmen.

I took advantage of the quiet Sunday morning to walk as much as I could along the river.  Bristol is that perfect mix of vibrant happening, friendly people, and old world beauty.  I’d live here in a heartbeat.

Courageous II ?!?!  Didn't you learn your lesson from the sinking of the first one? (says the man on his 14th boat)

Upcoming fun: one of my favorite gents (+ fellow Welshman) and I take on the city of Cardiff, followed by a solid week at an off-season holiday resort playing putt-putt with Weird Al Yankovic.

manchester.

I confess, I’ve skipped over writing about my disaster of a trip to Manchester.  I initially contacted the established CS member in the gloomy Manchester band t-shirt because hey, shared love of a gloomy Manchester band = yay common interests = BFFs!  I asked if he could put me up for two nights and would he possibly be interested in seeing Swans perform at the Academy since he liked wearing this gloomy Manchester band t-shirt so much?  He had never heard of Swans and wasn’t going to start now, but that worked out in my favor as I would be joining him at a house party later that night.

I arrived to the house several miles south of city center, the door answered by a nice and wary flatmate.  Mr. Popular wasn’t there but I convinced her to let me in and drink the beer I brought to share.  She laughed when I told her this was my first surf, and led me towards the kitchen in response to my raised eyebrow.  This was indeed a bachelor pad if there ever was one – food and trash piled and molding everywhere.  I didn’t mind the state of the place one bit.  I was appreciative that I had a space to sleep.

Mr. Popular arrived a bit later and it became clear that he had forgotten about my arrival, distracted it seems by the notion of having a Czech and two Swede girls booked as well.  I did the math in my head and came up with the four of us sharing one small couch and one not-a-loveseat-more-a-chair.  “Don’t worry”, he smirked, “I’ll get at least some of them into bed with me and you can have the couch!”.  I began worrying.

I met the rest of the mates and everyone in the house was quite friendly but the conversation kept coming back to sex, specifically how this group of guys relied on CS to bring in a steady stream of fresh, young, needy females.  I began getting queasy, and continued worrying.

After failing to share my beer with the hungover lads I went off in search of food and more beer in preparation of said early early show.  A masterful swipe of guilt on Mr. Popular’s part had me bringing my purchases back to the house to spend a bit more time with the peeps, though when I returned all eyes were fixed on the Local Sports Game [tm].  I ate in silence and slowly realized I was not a proper guest, rather it was expected I become one-way fascinated by and inquisitive of these feather-headed cockquistadors.  Especially the leader, the one in the gloomy Manchester band t-shirt.

I made my way to a surreal pint at the Temple of Convenience, a pub built into an old public toilet (featuring a great jukebox).  From there I entered the Academy and had a second helping of Swans.  The show was fantastic and deafening and I exited church a bit off of my head into the streets of Manchester on a Saturday Halloween party night.

Central Manchester is hella young, dare I say younger than London, and as I passed the crowds either dressed up in costume or as costume I wondered how my early 20s would have been spent in a city as lively as this one.  Bars and clubs consistently dotted the streets, with the dressed-up eye candy so fascinating I decided to walk the three miles or so back towards this party.  The one that I didn’t have a costume for, but one I was assured wasn’t costume required.

A long time passes, and not only have I traversed most of the city but I’ve walked the entirety of Curry Mile.  I’ve so far seen dozens of sexy nurses, three Batmens, a Hulk, and plenty of sexy mustard – every single costume vaguely superhero and/or sexy was out on the streets, out to fight and/or sex up crime.

I arrive to the address I was given, tired from the walk and completely in my own headspace from the powerful performance.  I get my first insult as I approach the door, something both aggressive and snide about me the unknown just “helping myself” to the party.  I wasn’t sure what he was on about until I opened the door into an apartment jam-packed full of EVERYONE ELSE in costume.  Costume optional my ass – I made a quick round but didn’t see Mr. Popular or his perpetual wingmens or any sign of available alcohol.   While the wizards and robots filling the halls tried to figure out my costume I made a hasty escape back out into the cold night.  Party fun failure, hardcore.

A stumbling woman speaking in slurry Russian asked if I know how to get her home, and thanks to my handy iDevice I’m convinced I just might.  Let it be said that getting lost in southern Manchester escorting a blacking-out Russian past the people she’s insulting is a far better time than being the odd duck out at a pick-up party.  After another hour of walking and finally getting her to a recognizable bus stop I realize just how exhausted I am and how little I want to return to that party.  I text Mr. Popular and tell him I’m heading back… back to a locked door and no one answering.

I knew this outcome had a high probability, so I curled into a ball on the porch and tried to get some sleep.  It’s fucking cold and I’m still deep in my head - hours go by in minor misery before the 4am screen door opens and I jump to attention.  As I enter the living room and prepare myself for the couch I realize there’s a body already on it.  Fuck.  I do what I can in the chair but I wake up not 4 hours later, sore and delirious.  The Czech girl was wildly apologetic about taking the couch, explaining that Mr. Popular told her I’d brought my own sleeping bag and would be fine on the floor. It's 8:30am and I'm already pissed, in the opposite meaning of the word from the night prior.

I say my good-luck-good-bye to the token female flatmate and tear out of there, abandoning the rest of my Manchester weekend for the first bus back to Birmingham.

God I hate Mr. Popular.  He probably doesn’t even own any gloomy Manchester band CDs!

(sidenote: CS feedback works like eBay, and Mr. Popular is basically a powerseller.  He was miffed because he “never got” any of my text messages with the subtext that I used him for his terrible chair and exploitative yarns.  If I leave bad feedback on him and/or call him out it’ll scroll off of the page within a week.  Him leaving a negative on me would destroy my n00bile reputation.  Some things are better ignored forever and ever and a day.)

Manchester: Loved what I saw.  Hated what I experienced.